Tomorrow morning I'll go in for my second CT scan. We'll get a report mid-week, and then I'll know if Fred has grown or receded in the three months since the last test. Some part of my brain is cold and shuddering. I'm afraid.
It's odd to have such a fear of bad news mixed with a non-frightening medical procedure. I'll be getting 14 times the amount of radiation than I'd have with an X-ray, but there's no pain or awareness of the radiation. I've already had the contrast chemical dropped into my blood, so I know I'm not allergic. It's nothing too hard. I'll get up, get over there and go through the paperwork, the shuffle from office to office, and the strangeness of having people I've never met take me through a process while I'm dressed in a flimsy hospital gown.
My life and death question doesn't fit into this impersonal medical world. So, I want a chorus of wailers with me. I want their voices to rise and fall in discordant cacophony then steady to a soothing it's all gonna be okay hum. I want them to alternate one state for another from the moment my alarm goes off and through several days of waiting until I get off the phone with the results of the preliminary radiologist's report. Then I want them to stop.
Showing posts with label fear. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fear. Show all posts
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
What's Going On? Fred? (3)
I have been seeing a local acupuncturist, Iva Jones, since last fall/winter. I began because I had a rash on my right ankle that I hadn't been able to heal. It's gone on for at least two years and it's a shameful area of my life. There's some kind of inflammation internally that breaks down that skin, but it itches and when I scratch it, it gets worse. I've resisted using a lot of steroid cremes on it but I do it occasionally and then beat myself up emotionally for not controlling my fingernails. Iva thought she could help the rash and gave me a break on the fee. signed up for 4-5 treatments.
Very quickly, she told me that I had some major problems, imbalances I guess she would say, and that, while I was feeling pretty good on a daily basis, I should not ignore the underlying issues. I had another problem, one I've already had three surgeries for, growing polyps in my sinus cavities. She didn't think she could stop this reoccurring drama without a lot of time and work because it has gone on for decades at this point. Among other things, it is due to too much damp in my system.
(I'm having a hard time talking about this because I don't understand Chinese medicine and the terms)
She wrote a treatment plan which included some major diet changes, Chinese herbs twice a day and regular acupuncture treatments. Gradually, I've adopted most of her plan.
I eliminated all sugars from my diet except agave nectar and fruit which took months and challenged some habits that go back to childhood. As I write this, I'm having a great craving for a chocolate bar. I also cut out milk and cheese although I still eat yogurt.
I take four kinds of Chinese herbs and mushrooms. An herbal formula she wrote works with Cordyceps mushrooms to sooth and heal the underlying causes of asthma. Reishi mushrooms do something else I forget and another formula she wrote, and varies occasionally, bolsters my underlying system. The mushroom are capsules--five a day. The formulas are powdered herbs I dissolve in hot water twice a day.
I get acupuncture once a week. Our conversation before the treatment helps keep my symptoms and the weekly western information clearer in my mind.
Last week, she suggested the possibility that these fevers are due to a virus, perhaps one that has no connection with the lung inflammation we see on the CT Scan. She sent away for a specific herb that should wipe that virus out, if it is the cause. It means a week drinking a dose of this nasty stuff three times a day. We're trying it out before the next CT scan, just in case. It would be amazing, and is not impossible, that the fever, and the weird CT finding is due to an odd virus.
Very quickly, she told me that I had some major problems, imbalances I guess she would say, and that, while I was feeling pretty good on a daily basis, I should not ignore the underlying issues. I had another problem, one I've already had three surgeries for, growing polyps in my sinus cavities. She didn't think she could stop this reoccurring drama without a lot of time and work because it has gone on for decades at this point. Among other things, it is due to too much damp in my system.
(I'm having a hard time talking about this because I don't understand Chinese medicine and the terms)
She wrote a treatment plan which included some major diet changes, Chinese herbs twice a day and regular acupuncture treatments. Gradually, I've adopted most of her plan.
I eliminated all sugars from my diet except agave nectar and fruit which took months and challenged some habits that go back to childhood. As I write this, I'm having a great craving for a chocolate bar. I also cut out milk and cheese although I still eat yogurt.
I take four kinds of Chinese herbs and mushrooms. An herbal formula she wrote works with Cordyceps mushrooms to sooth and heal the underlying causes of asthma. Reishi mushrooms do something else I forget and another formula she wrote, and varies occasionally, bolsters my underlying system. The mushroom are capsules--five a day. The formulas are powdered herbs I dissolve in hot water twice a day.
I get acupuncture once a week. Our conversation before the treatment helps keep my symptoms and the weekly western information clearer in my mind.
Last week, she suggested the possibility that these fevers are due to a virus, perhaps one that has no connection with the lung inflammation we see on the CT Scan. She sent away for a specific herb that should wipe that virus out, if it is the cause. It means a week drinking a dose of this nasty stuff three times a day. We're trying it out before the next CT scan, just in case. It would be amazing, and is not impossible, that the fever, and the weird CT finding is due to an odd virus.
At this point the continuum of my fear goes
from
virus cured by one icky week of chinese herbs
to
cancer that's spread to my lymph system
and will kill me sometime this year.
from
virus cured by one icky week of chinese herbs
to
cancer that's spread to my lymph system
and will kill me sometime this year.
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